I am who I am, and who I am is me

So here’s the thing. I don’t understand gender. I don’t understand my gender. I’ve never spoken about this before (apart from with a recent partner, who accepted me and wanted to help me, which helped me feel more able to try and explore myself). I’m a woman, right? That’s what it says between my legs. But I’m not sure I want to be. I’m not sure I can be. Sometimes I want to be a man. Sometimes I want to bind. Sometimes I want to pack. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I don’t want to be referred to as ‘she’. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I want to femme myself up, and despite the body I’m in, sometimes I feel like I’m pretending to be a woman when I do that. At the end of the day, I don’t think I want a gender at all. I don’t know if that’s because of the shitty sexist society we live in, I don’t know if my weak sense of identity is a result of my poor mental health, I don’t know if it’s just an intrinsic part of who I am. I just want to be allowed to be me, whoever that is. I want to be able to explore my possibilities. I want to experiment with gender roles. I want to be free. I think my gender is fluid. I think I do go through phases. For instance, right now I am feeling particularly masculine. I could wake up tomorrow with a completely different point of view, and this confuses me. I confuse myself.

This has been on my mind for a couple of years now. I’ve never felt able to talk about it because I haven’t believed that people will take me seriously. I’ve got a large group of gender-variant friends, and I worry that because I’ve known some of them for a long time and never said anything before, they might not believe me when I talk about my own identity. I worry that it might look like I’m jumping on some kind of gender bandwagon, or that I’m seen to be ‘too cis’ or something. I don’t know, I can be quite stupid at times.

I think that gender is just another part of me that I want to strip right down, like I have with my sexuality. I don’t want to label any part of my identity, because I’m not comfortable with it. I’m just a person who likes people, and sometimes I feel more one way than the other, both sexuality and gender-wise.